Again I have had to move house this time "for the last time" which I suppose is good as I can finally get used to somewhere being my room without it being forced to change. Good points about it being, the room is a lot bigger, the door will actually open more than half way which does make coming in and out a lot easier. Sadly the house is overall to big and far away from others resulting in the rooms being unheated with all the warm air escaping. Which added to the already complete lack of heat from the pointless cold to be making me sitting hear shivering to an extent. I suppose in summer it might be ok though so only have to suffer 3/4 of the year which isn't to bad.

The house itself is one of those named houses, rather than a number like any normal building. It's in the middle of nowhere, a college about "a few hundred yards away" though I don't think that's specific and a golf course behind the house. Its a pretty large solitary house the size of a normal detached house with some extra. At night its completely alone no light no cars or people and the like. It could become quite the scary place to live fearing some horror movie event would take place. If it wasn't for there being another almost identical house next door of course. Who knows maybe some crazed mass murdering pedophile lives there, but its likely just a boring normal old woman.

So yes, a new home, nothing else interesting has happened for a long time so I guess that's it.

Another year dawns, has it really came so quick? Another year lost to never return, while I have accomplished nothing at all. I left for a long time, rarely coming back. As a fool I discarded any hope I once had resting on others as I cast them away, have I learnt nothing. Have I been enjoying myself in this time wasted away from all. I thought I was. I was able to forget things, I forgot to much. I forgot the wrong things and still the few I wanted to discard linger on my mind dormant but present and awakening. These thoughts are scattered and scarred jagged. I need time to sort them that I do not have. I have all the time in my life to waste, but what will the waste accomplish. I stated I never cared for my life that's true, but others insist I find meaning I find a purpose. I may be selfish keeping to myself but I am more giving than anyone sparing whatever I would take from them in life. Yet I can't just fade away...I have returned, and I wish I had never left. I just wonder if there are still people who seem to care about me, or for me.

Extended.
A change from last year, now I am on benefits having to look for work I keep getting rejected from that I now don't have the care to chase around, benefits probably going to be removed soon due to that. Nothing good to show around for why anyone should hire me for something I would be crap at so i spend my days even worse than before now also being afraid of being left without anything at any time while I continue to waste my life doing nothing. Also added to that new crap I'm still basically the same as always except now I am afraid of loosing the small financial support I have, this causing me to only become more stressed and fall deeper. Worse than college maybe, I am mostly alone, but now I have to interact more than ever to have people depend on me. It really is impossible for our "social" race to be alone, even forced into it only to be dragged back afterwards. It's impossible not to loose in this 'game' of life.

Short happy note, I just got banned after trying to break half the rules for countless sleepless nights one mod finally decided to be nice to me and ban me <3

Extended.
Once again sleep has become an issue, I have never been good at sleep, always had to take 2 maybe hours lying down until I could fall asleep and then wake up early as well. But over the last few days I have been getting less and less sleep until the last 2 nights being able to get what seems like a few minutes if that asleep, and judging by the time when checking maybe not even that. I am already to tired to focus and if this continues any more nights I would probably end up collapsing, which yes would be nice to get me to sleep, and be amusing as I don't recall collapsing for a long time, but isn't the best idea. Is this connected to the day? A pointless question as why else would it be happening now. Making a day to concentrate everything into seemed like a good idea, but when it comes back to that week I really am screwed. Hopefully things will slowly return to, 'normal' afterwards.

"Grand Finale!"
Anti-climactic I suppose would be the fitting title. Kept getting worse until the Saturday when my friend, I'm going to be sad but true only one, came over as we decided to have a sleep over for some reason. I actually enjoyed myself and forgot all about the crap just about to consume me. Sadly my sleep is more fucked up than ever now due to it not being settled, but it seems I actually avoided the worst part, how nice. Yet again though its proof that I can't stay alone, only helped as someone was with me. I realized the date after he was gone, yet decided to stay off and not make some big 29th post, not needed and wanted to avoid doing anything to make me feel worse. Maybe to settle the problems with sleep and my eating. Oh I didn't mention my eating problem, its worse than ever I haven't eaten up to 20% of a meal in about a week, always hungry yet never eating only keeping energy which somehow keeps me going despite the lack of sleep from small snacks which I can kind of eat. The sleep and eating and etc, might have been settled if the 29th was as crap as it was suppose to be, so maybe by avoiding it its infact made it worse overall...oh well.

It happens more than you might think, unless you think it happens like it does in which case it happens as much as you think. I would say it could happen less than you think, but no one thinks it happens that much.

Hated the damned place so I am happy I don't have to go back to deal with the idiots there who would attack me for no reason etc. so immature and annoying.

Stuff about me, still same crappy depression, which has become normal to me now.

Me, did this, you, comment, me happy, you happy, we all happy, we all love, we all cry, we all befriend, we all talk about boys, picture relates. Love is grand, we all need love.

On this day one year ago I made my first news post on Newgrounds, before this I was here occasionally to watch and review some flash. However my mind set which had always been low began to break in the late months of last year, as if subconsciously detecting this I began to settle into this site previously used just for partial entertainment and I began to visit it's forums in an attempt to make myself feel better by being around other people. At first it didn't really help but at first it was not needed as badly as it would become. I have no idea when my depression started all I know is that it was late last year, and in an attempt to pin point it's time I looked through my Newgrounds activity, I had previously posted only a few times in the forums by the time I made my first news post, and after that I began to visit more. As such I decided instead of going for my first post I would instead call the date I first made efforts to become a part of Newgrounds as the date my depression began to set into motion.

As such it has been one year since my depression had begun to take over and become a part of my life, soon thereafter to control me. In the late year I had no idea of what was going to happen to me but I had already began to question myself, in the first month of the following year I realised that I was not strait. With the help from several users I had come to this conclusion, at first believing I was bisexual as I already viewed it as wrong and didn't want to become an outcast more so than I already was. I decided to let a few people, who at that time I thought were close friends, know of this and I was betrayed and became hated by even those I thought cared for me. In the following months over further contemplation I came to the conclusion I was homosexual and was able to distance myself from most of my bad feelings towards this. I still feel to this day that I am betraying my mother due to not being able to give her the grand children she desired.

I became close to others over the internet, in one case very close, yet with both many of these distanced from me as time passed. New friends came and went always resting the blame on my shoulders. With each one that passed I lost my ability to trust further and distanced myself from others not wanting to repeat the past. Over the years now I have suffered and as of late suffered even more, on many occasions to the point where I could take no more. Yet always I stayed, living out the turmoil on every occasion in the belief they would eventually pass.

Once I left the homophobic background I moved onto a newer area one that was accepting of myself and others, yet still my fears and feelings do not silence but instead build even further, inevitably to break which they have done before, and still they grow ready again for the next. In time they may rest but for now they do not. From this point I have ended at the end of this year, how many more must I face until my depression is laid to rest I cannot say, though to end deeper into the darkness makes it clear that it is only the begging and more the number will increase perhaps by many times.

5th December.
Now I find myself lonely, more so than before. I have become more social while at the same time drifting further into feelings of solitude. I brought myself to tell a boy I liked him, only to find he was already in a relationship. I accepted this and I am still his friend, however he was the only person in my college and thus my real life that I had any feelings for, the only person I felt like being with, and wanted to be with. Now I return down, though still social, and also maybe more confident, yet the realisation remains that I know of no one, and cannot find anyone that I can be happy with, and that can make me feel human. So now I feel lonely more so than earlier in my depression and though the depression seems to have lifted I believe it may just be a lighter, yet lonelier phase. I have improved since the 29th November, but I still have a ways to go before I can call myself normal.

Due to how I am with not allowing help (is an actual mental thing and not just being stubborn) all the help I am always given I can't take, I did write loads but I deleted it all as I just want to keep it short and say that I just need people to talk to, even if just on MSN or even through PMs I guess, all the help I am given wont work untill my self destruction is gone however and whenever I can finally get that done even though saying that I believe I deserve to be haunted by it still. Help won't work so the best thing I can get is just a friend, one to talk to about whatever or whoever, I need people like this of course as others have decided to keep leaving me for whatever reason but I am sure they are all legit due to not liking me in a nutshell. So anyone who can still stand me please feel free to be there for me, even though I am a shit talker it will be something and something is millions of time better than nothing.

I am loosing it, I only just noticed a fork and a meal next to me, I didn't recall being given it or anything then after a few minutes I realised it had already been half eaten, and it took me ages to realise I did eat some of it, I can't even recall simple things I fear I am loosing my grip on reality, I day dream more than ever now and I have been completely distant from lessons and people I have been in or close to and stuff just seems to flow by me without my even being aware of noticing it : (

Sorry for anything that I might have caused as well, and I can't appologise for how much I owe that I never even tried, sorry for everything.

If you're gonna come in here and kick my ass, I will kick your ass.

In main news I am still really bad especially earlier today but I should put a positive face on my area, and what better to do that than Edward Elric, mmm what a man <3

It's been basicly a year now since my depression was apparent and the only thing that has happend is it getting worse, friends left me, psycologists left me, boyfriend left me, and now internet friends who would apparently stay by me and help me forever are leaving me.

I already mentioned the start earlier so I won't go through that again, but then I finally started seeing someone for counselling and the only thing they cared about was me doing drugs and once they found out I didn't for probably the 10th time they decided to throw me away and never even tried to get in touch or accept calls, I later found they fucked off completely and a new psycologist would take up my case as an urgent basis, I met my doctor 3 or 4 times each time saying she will get in touch with them soon, after months it's safe to agree that they couldn't care less even if they were payed to see me. I put everything into my boyfriend who ended up eventually leaving, yes it is better to have love and lost but that threw away most of whatever trust I still had left causing me to become scared of the world and unable to hide away like I could earlier. Then afterwards my friends who said they would be with me forever decided to hate me and leave, destroying whatever trust was left after the rest.

So where am I now? I don't even know how far gone my depression is but once again I couldnt care less about anything educational or social or even self preserving, I don't even do the simplest things anymore and sink further away from people and before long will be thrown out of whatever I still have left destroying my life. My mind is now in 3 parts, I end up having some enjoyment, this builds up my depressed part which is half completely hating and I get pissed of and basicly made me loose whatever 'friends' I still had, then afterwards I go into a sevear sorrow state needing to appologise for everything in the world and wanting to be left alone to not bring down other people. All 3 of these pull me down further and each day it gets worse. I still get thoughts of suicide which I thought I lost and my whole life is even more useless and pathetic than it has been earlier.

No matter who I see no one could care less about me, I don't know if I have any mental illness on top of the depression making me worse but I wouldnt go against that idea, my doctor just throws me out, and counsellors or psycologists don't care, any of these pathetic anti depressants I take just make me worse, I really don't know what to say or do, stop feeling bad or let things go I wish I could but I can't and I don't know why but it's been this way my whole life. So here have some small update of information for anyone that might actually still care.

I should have been getting EMA (basicly money from the government for going into higher education) since September 1st. Of course as it is me nothing ever goes as it should and I didn't get anything till now, it is hard having less than £10 in the bank for 2 months. Luckily they decided to back pay the money I missed so I got around £130 when checked my bank today.

Of course this means I bought stuff:
House season 4 <3
Ghost In The Shell Stand Alone Complex, Trilogy collection.
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace <3
Portal
Farcry
Overall totalling around £75

Also I am classed as an artist hehe :]

I couldn't get a good image of them together so here's something better <3