It really hurts.

Well today I tried going to college even though I was scared and I ended up not being picked on but then again that wasn't in a lesson that had people from media.

I went on the bus and saw a bus driver that reminded me an aweful lot of Poozy. Then I got to the hospital.
Leighton Hospital is pretty nice, I went to the new building which was the treatment facility thing, and then I got into a highly revealing set of clothing, the one with my mum facing out to the world, luckily I was also givin a dressing gown to cover that and some very useless slippers that went through me with the feeling and sound they made.
I had my won private bed and listend to some Muse and .hack//SIGN for a few hours inbetween the several visits from different nurses and doctors. Also had to show my penis to more people. After about 3 hours of being in a boring place after checking out all the cool hospital stuff I was taken onto the awesome bed (it folds and contracts and moves it does everything a bed doesn't have to do but if a bed does do it becomes cool) and I was taken just like you see on all the programms on a bed wheeled through the treatment centre (very fun yet felt strange).
I ended up in the incredibly cold entrance to the theatre (I find the name amusing for what it is) and I was given injections (I am scared of them ='() and then I was given "magic milk" I laughed at that untill it put me to sleep.
I woke up a few hours later in the bed room place I started in with a very, very painful feeling ='( (this was kind of annoying as I wanted to try and beat the sleeping thing but it beat me without even trying)
Then I FINALLY got food and some tea (I havent eaten or drank all day due to the anaestetic) and I went to the bathroom which really REALLY hurt, especially trying to wipe of the excess weewee with toilet paper like I usually do, it is nasty.
I then got to go home with my mum and she was nice but the journey back was painful due to all the speed bumps and stuff. Mum also asked about Oliver and she knew I broke up but didnt want to mention it, luckily she was nice about it.

I was really tired after waking up which luckily seems to have mostly vanished but as I am still under the effects of the anaestetic I can't do stuff and have to stay home the rest of the week.

No matter what anyone may say about circumcision being not painful and nothing big, that may be the case younger but I can't mention how painful it is right now, it in constantly hurting even though I am on pain medication and my pants are very nasty especially putting them on, yet they are apparently the best thing to wear over it : (
I hope I don't get infected or anything and I hope it doesn't hurt to much and that everything goes as planned. Also I am not a very good cleaner I keep forgetting to have a bath or shower yet in 24 hours I have to have one every day. I am scared of anything bad happening :'(
Also I wont be able to do ANYTHING with it other than wee for a month. That sucks : (

At least now I have fixed it though, I had to do it some day so at least soon it will be over and done with : )

edit.
I woke up about 4 times though the night as it hurt, also I got errect during the night 3 times despite having no sexual ideas (on purpose as I didnt want to get errect) and it REALLY hurt, it must be as it is sensitive that it must get errect easily and the bandages on it don't move so it crushes the whole thing to stay the same small size despite the blood pushing it larger. My body is fighting a war down there :'(

New edit.
I took of the bandages today, it took about 2 hours and I was screaming and crying at the end :'(
I can't even wear anything now as if it touches anything it hurts like.......worse than hell. SO I am wearing an open dressing gown, trust me though, you don't want to imagine me in this even if you are horny, it's not a plesant sight.

Pics.

Why are you still alive, you seeked destruction and destruction came to you. So why don't you accept the very essence of your dreams, your hopes, your salvation, the end is here, the end that you demanded, the end that YOU brought! You cannot cast it away! You will die as you wanted, you will exist in a state of non existence with the rest of the universe. You only seek your own demise, that is the point of why you all live, without a meaning to even breathe, why do you seek to live in such a state? What is it you fight for! A home?! A life?! What will you get if you stop the wheel of fate? Nothing! You will live only to die like all others have before you and this cycle will only be broken by the end of time, no one will ever gain anything! This world is in pain, a constant pain, it is dying, it has no reason to keep life upon it! You seek to keep your miserable existence over the lives of others, all lives are the same! All lives are worthless! Meaningless! Why do you Fight?! Why do you fight against yourself?! The only way to find peace is accept the zero world. The zero world that you all desire! Don't fight your soul, you want this, you need this, so why the hell are you forcing this hand! Even if you do, do you think it will be successful? I am the end! Nothing can stop the essence of existence, WHY DO YOU SEEK TO FIGHT ME! WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY ACCOMPLISH! IF YOU SUCCEED WHAT WILL YOU HAVE DONE! NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE! WHY THE HELL DO YOU BETRAY LIFE?!?!

Existence is not figures, not numbers, we are all living. We may all die, but our legacy continues, what we start is carried on. We laugh, we learn, we play, we...love. We will not have these taken away, in the end we may be nothing, but while we are here we are something, and we are something great. Life does not seek to be reset or deleted, life seeks to live as it is and as it has been doing. You were created by those who had nothing, yet even those learn to live if only helped, the desire you seek will never exist. We will live, we will stop you.

Stop existence? You are naive, as are all your kind. I have watched for eternity, I read between the lives, I read your souls. You all create this illusion but in the end you will all choose destruction over existence. I will give you that now to avoid more torture, the only thing I can do is what you all want. Yet still you hold up your sword. You believe the very soul of the universe can be slain so that you can continue to be futile? I made you and I will destroy you.

We will fight you!

Why! You cannot win! You live all these fantasies rather than accepting reality!

NO YOU CANNOT ACCEPT REALITY!

I AM REALITY! YOU STAND AGAINST THE VERY BEING OF LIFE! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT JUDGEMENT! IF I WAS TO CEASE THEN SO TO WILL YOU! YOU WOULD FIGHT EXISTENCE AND YOU WOULD FIGHT YOURSELF!

We......have to fight.

One of those gel based ones, except unlike the last one I had this one doesnt form a solid bubble and instead just feels very nice. It also has a bump at the bottom which is a surprisingly good rest for my wrist, I overall like this mouse mat, the only draw back is I am not used to the bump yet in the way of being blocked from moving backwards with the mouse as I used to use it at the bottom of the mat because otherwise it hurt my wrist.

Got it from the post office, how nice.

BATPENIS!

So apparently last night my mum was on the phone for ages but I didnt realise (probably got subconciously feeling bad from it last night) as she was arguing against my uncle who is a religious fruit cake. He doesnt like the idea of my mum living with her boyfriend without getting married, and when he found out about me, oh boy there was a lot of hatred.
Basicly he is more likely the most homophobic person in the world, then again he is very mean as he threw his own daughter out and made her live in a care homey place, apparently she is pregnant and not married, like to see the religious nutter explain that one eh.

My mum argued without rest for hours and it is nice thinking about it as she was protecting my rights and stuff as well as her own, thats very nice.

I want to go around there for a family meeting thing and bring Oliver, that would be legendary, also When I marry him (hopefully some day) I will invite him to the wedding hehehe.

Also take this Uncle.

Needless to say both incredible shows, House is by far the best Hospital drama, while Monk is the greatest detective drama if thats what they are called.
New title above in hope of fun and Yaoi <3

I just saw the first two series including the film pilot on a 3 day Monk Marathon on Halmark, 8am to around 8pm over the weekend and Monday. Basicly put it was very fun. This also resparked my love for Monk since I havent seen it in ages.
I always feel bad for House but with Monk it is so upsetting yet can still be amusing, brilliant shows.

Well House is a complete ass yet he has many issues and Monk has a sevear form of OCD, I think and is constantly grieving, they both have upsetting lives behind them being the best : (
Also House is hot : )

I got House season 1, 2 and 3 on DVD, still have yet to get any Monk.
At some point I plan to get them all on DVD and I will be very happy, I wish Monk can solve the case of his car bombed wife so that he can finally rest :'(
I want to see more, second series ended going to New York but the lead may not even be good : (

I felt really sad when he tried to take a test to get back ito the force but even through he knew everything he couldnt do it as his OCD got in the way :'(

Image I threw together, it took 3 hours of hard work.

No further information is available.

Read the title in some geeky retainer voice thing for full effect.

So I was getting some pressies and one thing led to another and I ended up buying out the house about £70 worth of NG merchendise.
2 Penicorns, 4 shirts, 2 keyrings. Also a load of stickers I kind of forgot to put in the picture but frankly I cant be arsed to so there.
Yes this is splitting up...I didnt buy two penicorns for myself...I swear I only need one.
Stuff in packaging isnt removed as its to pass on you see, except the penicorn which I know what you are thinking but it came in the same pack as the other. It did. It also all came in some bubble wrap packaging as well, strange from the lack of fragile goods but whatever I got free bubble wrap baby!

Lol Merch.

I sometimes look through my old posts and I can remember posting most of them, yet I get a feeling of difference constantly from all of them. It's strange, also checking back at my old news to see where I was.
When I started of on the forums I was probably given the same thing that I still give to people with 3 posts etc. and then to be treated and seen differently.
Makes me wonder of the old days, and God I miss them, I feel like going through it all again, to remember what it was like, knowing no one, having no idea of anything here, having all these unknown users, being treated like the 08ers are now. Such a different time.

Hell back then I knew no one, I only had small hints of a depression (probably what drawed me in as a place to hide I dont know), didnt have a clue I was gay, took ages through a rough time and getting help with it. I also went though the whole phase of coming to grips with my sexuality, thinking I was bisexual for a while not wanting to accept myself as I hated myself already and I couldnt think of even being gay as it would have made me even worse. Not having any idea of the users I am close freinds to, thinking Mechabloby was some strange person with no idea he was even gay not a thought even went by thinking of him, God those times seem like another life time as being here so long has gotten me to think of this place as some kind of home.

Times deffinently seem completely different, I feel like experiencing them again, but frankly I dont want to give the chance of changing anything, the things I have done, the people I have met.

So unique, didnt know of my problems, wasnt gay, didnt have people I could relate to, hell didnt even know of Yaoi, without NG would I have been better, or worse? I would say Worse, without the forums I had no where to hide when things hit hard, without the friends I had no one to help me, without Oliver...I probably wouldnt be alive.

Did it make me different or did it aid my true nature, whatever it did I couldnt imagine my life without the large changes it has made. God damn this site, damn it all to hell, and by the Gods I will be joining it.

< Yaoi